IN POLITICAL NEWS 1) The Patriot Day (J6) committee has withdrawn its subpoena against President Trump. Finally, these turnips are out of business. 2) No one doubted it: top pollsters say, “Don’t be fooled: Trump Strong as Ever.” 3) President Trump told Jared Kushner and Ivanka that he did not wish them to be involved in the 2024 campaign. This will make many MAGA people happy, but trust me, Trump will miss Kushner’s fundraising prowess. 4) The New York Slimes admits that lifting Title 42 won’t cause a border crisis cuz we already have one. 5) Voters seek revenge on DemoKKKrats who released Trump’s taxes. Heck, I think voters just seek revenge on DemoKKKrats in general. 6) Desperate for troops, the military has hired 700 recruits who had ADHD. Yeah, this will end well. 7) But, of course, exercise is racist: “The White Supremacist Origins of Exercise.” -These toadnipples are utterly useless. They can’t write a single story without race/class/transoidism. 8) We used to call this common sense: Elon Musk has announced a new science policy on Twit, namely to debate the science. 9) More wholesomeness from New Calcutta (LA), where “electric avenue”—the street with numerous EV charging stations—has become so overrun with homeless drug slugs that drivers won’t charge their cars there. 10) Shocked! Shocked, I tell ya! The FDA’s approval of an Alzheimer’s drug was “rife with irregularities” and features an easily affordable $56,000 price. 11) And speaking of New Calcutta, the lovely law-abiding burb saw a nursing student, 24, killed by a car doing “donuts” during a street takeover. IN ECONOMIC NEWS 12) Goldman Sachs’ CEO has warned of looming job cuts. 13) Rutabaga is trying to get more companies to use electric trucks. -Yeah, those would have been peachy in the recent blizzard where electric cars couldn’t start. 14) The Winklevoss twins are poised to be the next crypto kings to fall with a class action lawsuit claiming they duped customers out of $900 million. 15) Sports wagers will top $80 billion after New York and four other states legalized sports gambling. IN INTERNATIONAL NEWS 16) Legendary soccer star Pele, the Brazilian who was the only player to win three World Cups, has died at 82. 17) Some 8,000 British patients got a mistaken holiday greeting that said they were dying of cancer. 18) The European Commission is looking to ban Filipinos from crewing ships registered with the EU. Yah, that will help the supply chain problem. 19) Now, this is a move by a foreign country I can get behind: Uzbekistan will cut 30% of its government employees, saving $250 million. IN EXTRATERRESTRIAL NEWS 20) The Pentagon has been ordered to investigate an “avocado-shaped UFO” that occurred before Roswell—inspired by a book by Jacques Valee. 21) President Trump’s Space Force has taken over all military satellite communications. IN ENTERTAINMENT NEWS 22) A social influencer—whom I had never heard of—Andrew Tate, has been arrested in a human trafficking raid in Romania. But he did take on Greedo Thunderburger, so there’s that. I apologize, folks. I will endeavor to keep up with my human traffickers better. IN CHINA VIRUS NEWS 23) Steve Kirsch’s public healthcare worker survey results: myocarditis rates are up tenfold after vaxxes. …AND FINALLY 24) Luxury dream cars like Lamborghini and Ferrari are being sold at “huge discounts” because the market is decimated. -I dunno about that. I offered a guy fitty dollah for his Lambo, and he gave me a one-finger salute.